Trigger Warning: lewd sexual descriptions
I transcribed the entire 238-page Epstein birthday book “The First 50 years” so that all the letters and handwriting is legible and easy to read, and also so that it can remain a record if the DOJ decides to pull it off the internet.
The Birthday Book contains photos, personal letters from family, friends, and colleagues, poems, drawings, a fake newspaper filled with articles, food, and personal ads, and some pretty damning evidence…
Feel free to share with family and friends, there is no paywall and this article can be accessed by anyone, on Substack or not.
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CONTENTS
PROLOGUE - Ghislaine Maxwell
FAMILY - Paula, Seymour, Mark
BROOKLYN - [REDACTED], Warren Eisenstein, Neutral, Terry Kafka, Michael Buchholtz, Dr. Stephen Levy
GIRLFRIENDS - [REDACTED]
CHILDREN - [REDACTED]
FRIENDS - Ron Altbach, Leon Black, Coco Brown, Jean luc Brunel, Bill Clinton, Alan Dershowitz, Bell Elkus…
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…Bran Ferren, Henry Jarecki, Nick Leese, Peter Mandelson, George Mitchel, Nathan Myhrvold, Josel Pashcow, Jo Pagano, Alberto Pinto, Stuart Pivar, Donald Trump, Henry Rosovsky, [REDACTED], Lesley Wexner, Mort Zuckerman, Unknown
SCIENCE - Gerry Edelman, Murray Gellman [sic], Steve Kosslyn, Martin Nowak, Lee Smolin
GIRL-FRIENDS - [REDACTED]
SPECIAL ASSISTANTS - [REDACTED]
BUSISNESS [sic] - Ace Greenberg…
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…Jimmy Cayne, Ted Serure, Elliot Wolk, Ira Zicherman
THE NEXT 50 YEARS
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Jeffrey
The idea behind this book was simply to gather stories and old photographs to jog your memory about places people and different events. Some of the letters will definitely achieve their intended goal. Some well... You will have to read them to see for yourself. I know you will enjoy looking through the book, and I hope you will derive as much pleasure looking through it as I did putting it together for you.
Happy Happy Birthday
Love, Ghislaine
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FAMILY
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Happy 50th Birthday
May 2003 prove to be the year you are most happy
Dear Son Jeff,
I have been very busy reminiscing since Ghislaine asked me to write about you for your book. I keep thinking about then and now. My father drove Seymour and me to the hospital that cold, snowy day in January to become parents of a beautiful, healthy son. Jeff you have been a good son from day one and we have been proud of you ever since.
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I recall you refused to go to sleep unless I read a story from Grandma's Golden Book that she bought for 25¢. Grandma visited us every Saturday. Today you are still an avid reader - books cost ? dollars. I knew you were an excellent student before your report cards were "A plus." At PTA meetings I begged your teachers to help improve your handwriting. At age 5 you had your first accordion lesson. Lessons later Teacher Mr. Matos booked you in Carnegie Hall. You won prizes in Prospect Park, Central Park and other local competitive prizes. Today, do you know where your accordion is? You also played at your Bar Mitzvah and Uncle Lenny's Bar Mitzvah.
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After a time you switched to piano lessons. Mr. Jerome Jolles recommended you to Interlochen where you had fun. I don't know if it improved your piano. Today you own a log cabin there. At age 27 Cosmopolitan Magazine featured you as "Bachelor of the Month." Today you still hold that title. We objected 100% your going to Europe at that time. After graduation we would have seen to it you would travel as a gentleman tourist. Instead you went with Terry Kafka. We pictured you coming home tired, undernourished, sickly. To our surprise you looked great and had a great time. Your experiences in Europe helped you get the job at Dalton.
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Today - a limousine awaits you as a dignitary. Jeff, I'm so sorry that Dad can't share the nachas we have regarding your achievements. He would have been overjoyed reading the article about you in the New York Magazine. I was looking at family tapes. We had many, many parties, anniversary parties, etc., you enjoyed being there. Today you AVOID gatherings, parties - why? Tonight is the deadline I must get this manuscript to Ghislaine. If I know me, as soon as I mail it I will think of what I should of said.
[Pauline “Paula” Epstein]
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[Illegible notes]
I WAS BORN Dec 4, 1916
I remember moving to Willoughby Ave near St. John Law School. We lived next to a convent. My best friends were [illegible] Sporn and Abe (Labuto). I remember working for my father at 35 Walton Street. He [illegible] quite a few (in) [illegible] which were transporting used bricks. Then we moved to (421) Crown St. where we stayed only 1 year. Then we moved to [illegible] Crown Street where I went to PS 151. I graduated June 27, 19[illegible]. I also went to Hebrew school until I was Bar-Mizvahed. I was Bar-Mizvahed on a Thursday morning in the [illegible] House. His name was [illegible]. My first job after working for my father was in [illegible] camp in California [illegible] fought fire for [illegible].
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I was there for 6 months in 19(39) and I enlisted until 1940-1941. I was drafted in the Army. Before that I had a tryout with the Brooklyn Dodgers. After being discharged in 1945 I lost out being a baseball player. The first job I had in 1948 was for Gimbels selling great [illegible] and also selling electric trains for the Lionel Electric Trains Co. The next job I had was selling shirts for Macy's, then selling cutlery. I then worked for Saks 34th Street selling shirts, and also Saks 5th Ave. Then I got a job working for the [illegible] Dept. for NYC. The next job I had was a conductor for the IRT subway, which lasted for about 3 years, 1952-1956. Then I got a job in the Park dept, NYC from May 16, 1956 through 1983 when I had 2 heart attacks. Then I retired. 27 years.
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I was born Seymour Epstein on December 4, 1916. Was the first beautiful baby born to Julius and Bess. Bess was truly a beautiful woman. I saw this myself as I was growing up. Julius was a short stocky man. This (great went) took place in a New York hospital 329 West 28th. My father was in the wrecking business. My father was born in Russia. My mother was born in (Brest-Litovsk) in Poland. My father started his business in the year of 1900. He was in business for 44 years before he passed away. We lived on Willoughby Ave when I was a young boy. Then we moved to Crown Street in Brooklyn. While living on Crown ST. I was drafted into the U.S. Army [illegible 1941. Before I was drafted I enlisted in the (ece) camp which was in Boca-California. I stayed there until 1940. Then I was drafted into the U.S. Army. My mother's parents, their names were Esther Fischer. My mother had 1 step sister her name was May Faber. My mother's brother was George and (Len) Tesher.
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I don't recall how many or their names. My grandfather died at an early age. I have one brother that was born May 11-19. I started school when I was 6 years old. While in school I was a fairly good student until I graduated. The teachers I liked best was Mr. Fox, Mr. Frank, Mr. Miller, and also my geography teacher, Mrs. (Fazendeen). Mr. Fox used to take the class to Ebbets Field to see the Brooklyn Dodgers play. Mr. Frank was the shop teacher. Mr. Miller was the science teacher.
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My father's brothers
Phil - died of a heart attack
Max - was a plumber, also died of a heart attack
Meyer - was (a) (CPA) - he died stepping on a rusty nail.
My father had 1 sister, her name was (Mamie) Rabinowitz. I attended PS 161. After I graduated I went to Hebrew school on Crown Street. My teacher's name was Mr. (Brevda). I was Bar Mitzvahed on Thursday afternoon. My teacher's name was Mr. Zwerding. After graduating Hebrew school I went to Alexander Hamilton High School, where I stayed for 3 1/2 years. Never graduated. I quit school because I never liked school. After I quit school I worked for my father on Walton Street, Brooklyn. I worked for him for about three years, earning $20/week. After working for him I joined the (ece) camp. They sent me to Brea, California, where I stayed from 1939-1940. Then I came home to Crown Street. Couldn't find a job until I was drafted in the U.S. Army on August 7, 1941.
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I was sent to Bermuda where I stayed until October 13, 1945. I made many friends in the Army. My duties in the Army was K.P. and finally they made me a 1st class gunner on a big gun. My best friend was John Ferris, and also I met my (Sat) Fred Rodack. I enjoyed my stay in Bermuda very much. When I was discharged from Fort Monmouth, New Jersey, I was sent home to (a) empty house. My mother had a nervous breakdown. Sidney Dubin, a candy store owner, told me where she was. She was in (a) nursing home in Astoria, Queens. When I arrived there I saw how my mother was. I then asked the doctor how she was. He told me not so good. They had to give her shock treatments every 3 days. When I saw her again there seemed to be a she seemed better. She stayed there for about 1 years. They sent her home on and off. Finally she passed away September 16, 1960 in a hospital in Hempstead, Long Island.
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I applied for the PK Dept job in 1952. I waited until May 16, 1956 for the job. I then started working for the Park Dept. I worked in every park in the district in Dist 9 Brooklyn. I enjoyed working for the Park Dept. I started working for Gimbel Bros. selling sporting goods and electric trains. I stayed in Gimbels for about 2 years. I then worked for Macys selling cutlery until 1950. Then I got a temporary job as a conductor on the IRT. It lasted until 1951, when I met my lovely wife Paula. On January 20, 1954 [sic] my wife gave birth to son #1, Jeffrey. Then my wife gave birth to son #2, Mark, born 1954 July 14. We were in the country, where I didn't feel good on the bus going home. When I reached home I had the 1st heart attack on may 31st 1983. While in the hospital I had my 2nd heart attack. I stayed in the C.I. hospital intensive care. The conditions in the ward was so horrible that my
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son Jeffrey transferred me to Beekman downstate in a private ambulance. After coming home from Beekman downstate I never went back to work because the work was too strenuous. I retired after 27 years . I then started to work for Mark on November 3, 1983 for 3 days a week, Mon, Wed, and Fri. I am still working for Mark. We then took a trip to Israel in November of 1985. We visited my wife's relatives. We stayed at the Plaza Hotel in Tel Aviv where we went to my son's friends' wedding. We stayed in Tel Aviv for 5 days. Then we went to the King David in Jerusalem, where my son Jeff hired a limo to take us around. We stayed in (Jerusalem) for about 4 days, arriving back home on my birthday, December 4, 1985.
[Seymour Epstein]
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BROOKLYN
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How I remember Jeffrey
Jeffrey was born average in size, a dazzling smile, laughing blue eyes.
The mind of a truly great mathematician, to me he is someone beyond all description
My contribution, a simple toy, for such an outstanding little boy
He assembled the thousand(s) of nuts, screws, & bolts, created an empire with astounding results
The memory I shall never forget, it all started with an erector set.
Love you forever, Fran.
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ACCORDION TORTURE - BY ROBERT WOLFE, SEA GATE GAZETTE
A Sea Gate boy was forced by his mother to play "Flight of the Bumble bee" and "Saber Dance" on his squeeze box, 100 times a day for 5 years. By the time the lad became proficient, he was able to play the tunes 100 times in 10 minutes. Firemen from the 318 Hook and Ladder Division were always called in for his daily recital, in order to douse the flames if the boy's fingers caught fire from his dervish-like playing.
Months later, the musical lad's mom, again forced the boy against his will, to perform the two pieces at Carnegie Hall in front of thousands attending. She threatened to withhold his treasured Nathan's lobster salad, if he refused to perform perfectly. He performed once again, and was treated to a one-pound container of his favorite delicacy.
SEAFOOD DIET?? - BY BUBBLES AXELROD, CONEY ISLAND GOURMET
Coney Island Health officials reported today, that a boy survived the first 13 years of his life eating only Nathan's Lobster Salad and drinking Sunny Boy Orange Drinks. His mother
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Specifically went to the beach to buy the Sunny Boys complete with conical wax coated containers and the metal ring at the mouth. She claimed the metal ring gave her son bigger lips for playing saxophone and bassoon, and the lobster salad she believed would make her son a genius. The mother was committed to an insane asylum in Florida, and the boy believes he has 2 jets, an island, a ranch, mansions, and a sexy English socialite girlfriend. Afte the boy was taken into custody by officials and fed lox, bagels and cream cheese, the hallucinations disappeared. He was given a 3/4 length black leather coat and returned to his daily activities of providing free ice cream and candy to his friends (courtesy of Jack's Firestone luncheonette).
BEACH ATTACK - BY LAWRENCE DYCK, SEA GATE OBSERVER
Lloyd Bridges "Human Fish", a water monger, and a local t-shirt clad Hippo were attacked by a school of deadly Coney Island Whitefish. The attack occurred last Saturday just off the Sea Gate Cabanas at Beach One. The enraged Hippo then clammed indiscriminately, and repeatedly on the chests and faces of the other victims. The "Human Fish", and the water monger also reported a curious yellow warmth in the seawater when they came close to the Hippo. The swimmers thanked the Hippo for throwing a fit and clamming, as it scared the school of whitefish off. All beaches are flying a Coney Island Whitefish warning flag for the remainder of the swimming season.
NICKEL ARTIST ARRESTED - BY LILLIAN FISHER, HANDICAP TIMES MAGAZINE
Coney Island's Melvin Fromholder was best known as "Mad Mel" the nickel carver. El had the uncanny ability to cut everything off a buffalo nickel, leaving only the buffalo and the "ring" surrounding it. Customers would travel from all 5 boroughs and wait months to buy one of the hard-to-get coins. A local wisecracker named Larry-John Streitman tried to pump Mel for information on how to mass-produce these coins. Fromholder was insulted and became enraged. Mad Mel lived up to his name when he stabbed Streitman in the "Stomach and the Leg" 10 times. Ironically, Streitman was wearing a cheap copy of Mel's original "No Hassle Band" on his wrist when he was attacked. "If it wasn't for the "No Hassle Band", said Streitman, "I woulda been dead." Fromholder is doing hard time, and can't fill customer's [sic] orders for the nickels because officials refused to let Mel have his tools. You'd better get in line; Mad Mel's in for 5 years and he's got 5125 orders for the prized buffalo nickels.
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EUROPE ON A BUDGET - BY YEHUDAH LEIBIG, SONS OF ISRAEL TRAVEL GUIDE
Two Sea Gate teens claim to have started out with $500 each, and managed to travel Europe for 2 months. The boys hitch-hiked, wandered and adventured through Europe while their stupid friend served hamburgers and French fries at Nathan's. The two returned with long hair, suntans, and 2 brand new Triumph Tiger 500 motorcycles; they even had change to boot. One of the two actually lost 40 pounds, because of a serious lobster shortage in Europe.
DIRT BROTHERS ARRESTED - BY RICHARD FREED, TUTORING ARE US MAGAZINE
Once again, the infamous "Dirt Brothers" were seen on Sea Gate Avenue illegally dumping drain oil from their "Lemon" Camara. Sgt. Gino "Gene" Venezia arrested the two brothers. Judge Phil Russick found the Dirt Brothers guilty and sentenced them to 48 hrs. confinement with Bobby Wolfe, Larry Dick, Dicky Friedman, Donnie DiPasquale, Gerald Bullah, [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].
HUNCHBACK DIES - BY NOT SO LUCKY LUCKFELD, FIRECRACKER CHRONICLE
Robert Avner, Coney Island's only living hunchback died last week of an infected hunch. Observers witnessed Avner screaming at his friends for help with his itching back. "Scratch like a bitch, scratch like a bitch," he pleaded, but it was too late; no one would scratch the infected hunch. Avner died of whiplash from repeatedly turning his head to [sic] far left and far right during his last minutes.
TEEN BITTEN - BY MRS. SHMOLOWITZ, WOOLWORTH NEWSLETTER
A Sea Gate teenager (name withheld) was viciously bitten on the neck by crazed Steve Jankowitz. The bitten youth was found crying after witness "Count Hymie" recounted the
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gruesome details. Sea Gate cops were unable to capture the foaming-mad Jankowitz which resulted in the victim being forced to have 29 injections in the stomach. A Bite Alert has been announced and posted on the Sea Gate Chappel Bulletin Board.
THE PIZZA MAN GOES BERSERK! - BY YETTA PARNES, YENTA TIMES
Pizza man Luigi Tortoni flew into a fit of rage after employee Arthur Stern (owner of the famed restaurants, "The Spot" and "The Riviera Snack Bar") told Luigi that he would start using fake cheese in his pizza. Tortoni exploded and held Stern at knife point until Sgt. Gino "Gene" Venezia of Sea Gate Police S.W.A.T. team negotiated with the mad Italian. The straight-jacketed Tortoni was promptly shipped back to Italy. Sources report that Luigi Tortoni is now a famous spumoni scoop designer frequently seen on the prestigious Vespa racing circuit.
DERMATOLOGIST FIGHTS FIRE - BY ROBERT ARDIGO, PIZZA FACE PAGES
World renowned Pimple Expert Dr. Shin Ho Yep claims the secret to a great complexion is in his secret formula. Hundreds of butter face teens flock to Dr. Yep's office off Ocean Pkwy. in Brooklyn to obtain much needed help. The Dr. applies his "secret formula" to kid's [sic] faces and within seconds their skin feels like a raging inferno. Some patients wail in agony from the fiery concoction, and if they scream loud enough, Yep says "just 10 more minutes". If they start to cry, Dr. Yep proclaims "OK we put out fire now". He takes a tissue and puts 2 drops of water on it and barely dabs at the blistering skin. Chemical analysis of Yep's "secret formula" found it to be nothing but a combination of hydrochloric and sulfuric acids. The results: a cranberry sauce red appearance immediately after treatment, but after two weeks, all but one kinky haired Sea Gate boy, had a peaches and cream complexion.
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FAST '56 - BY LARRY JOHN STREITMAN, DOUBLE A FUEL MAGAZINE
Sea Gate's Sgt. Gene Venezia amazes the community with his nitro methane burning "Stormin'" 56 Plymouth. Custom paint in an aqua blue funny car color, this eye catcher dazzles all on-lookers. With it's [sic] four-on-the-floor Hurst T-shifter, twin Holley 4 barrel carbs, a blue printed 454 Hemi, headers and extra leaf springs, Sgt. Gene brags "whattayamean?",,, it gets up to 50 on the Belt Pkwy. ...why these Sea Gate snot rags could only dream of owning a supercar like this.
CAP, GOWN AND WHAT?? - BY STANLEY KEMITO, LAFAYETTE LEGEND
Four rebellious Sea Gate boys, two of whom barely graduated, were caught wearing dungarees and Beatle Boots under their graduation gowns. The graduation exercises took place at a famous movie theater in downtown Brooklyn. One of the cocky boys remarked "Hey what are they gonna fail me now??"
2 BARELY GRADUATE - BY CARL ASHBY, HEALTH ED JOURNAL
After making a mockery of phys-ed class for the majority of their senior year, Coach Gary Lasker pulled two teens from gym class 6 weeks before graduation and gave them the bad news: they weren't going to graduate!! Although the 2 boys had virtually straight A's in academics, they were total losers when it came to gym. They pleaded with Mr. Lasker and asked what they could do to make it up. After thinking about a just punishment, he required the students to double time in every gym class. They had to do twice the exercise, twice the running, as well as lead the class in exercise until the end of the school year. Lasker also humiliated the boys in front of each and every class, but allowed them to graduate with a grade of one point over the minimum passing grade of 65.
YELLOW LAUNDRY MYSTERY SOLVED - BY BEATRICE K. COOPER, READ A BOOK-A-DAY CLUB
An obese Sea Gate family started to notice that their laundry mysteriously started turning yellow every time they removed it from
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the clothes line. Mrs. Bulla claims she uses Clorox bleach in every wash load, but the laundry curiously turns yellow and has an ammonia smell after it dries. This happened for months until her son Gerald started doing some detective work on his own. After 2 more months of surveillance, Gerald Bulla caught the culprit red (or should I say yellow) handed. The Bulla's [sic] downstairs neighbor's son had been repeatedly squirting the laundry with a squirt gun filled with an unknown yellow liquid. The Bullas were forced to move away after more highjinks [sic] occurred.
5TH GRADERS CLEAN UP CONEY - BY NELLY BLY, GRAVES END BOOKS
Mr. Stephen Levy whip-trained his over-achieving class 4-3 until they mastered Easy Steps March and Aida. Only then would he allow them to be featured in the Prestigious Coney Island Clean Up Campaign Parade. The long awaited Parade arrived, and the fifth graders had to march in sweltering 110 degree heat. Fifteen of the 45 kids suffered heat exhaustion, and one saxophone player continued marching and playing until midnight. The Sea Gate boy marched until his pinky toe popped through the side of his signature blue Keds boat sneakers. He was awarded the "Schmuck of the Coney Island Clean up Campaign" award. Because of the notoriety the student gave Keds, they offered him a lifetime supply of the sneakers, as long as those were the only shoes he would ever wear in the future. The same offer came from a local sweatshirt manufacturer, but they eventually went out of business after giving the kid so many free sweatshirts. He still wears them today, but has his kid brother silk screen different logos on them such as "POLICE", "ZORRO" AND "SCHMITKA."
TEACHER ALMOST GETS THE BOOT - BY EMIL SUSKIND, P.S. 188 NEWS
Sixth grade teacher Ed Goldsmith, was never known to be a conventional thinker by his peers, but his students really enjoyed his non-conformism. With his dry wit and different ways of looking at things, the students were always educated, as well as entertained. His colleagues never respected Goldsmith and probably resented his odd approach. On assembly day in April of 1964, Mr. Goldsmith, an accomplished jazz pianist, played the national anthem in a "jazzed-up" version, and sent the auditorium reeling into a near riot. The teachers hated the rendition, calling it a mockery and a disgrace, while the children clapped and snapped to the coolest version of the anthem they'd ever heard! On the next day, Mr. Goldsmith was handed his walking papers by the school administration, and made an announcement to his class that he was forced to leave. The
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students were dismayed, some to the point of crying. When they notified their parents of the administration's decision, students along with their parents went on strike the following day. They demanded a reversal of the decision, stating that the teacher was (the one most) influential persons contributing to the student's [sic] creative thinking. After a multi-hour standoff, the administration backed down and allowed Mr. Goldsmith to continue teaching until the end of the term. Ed Goldsmith stated that he would not return to the school after that year. The kids really loved that man.
PEDDLE PUSHER THROWS PARTY - BY SCOTT PEARL, MERCEDES AFICIONADO
Paula the peddle pusher, threw a birthday bash for her pride and joy Jeffrey Edward last week at the posh, exclusive, Surf Lanes in Coney. She went hog wild and provided free shoes, 2 games, hot dogs, hamburgers and soda to about 15 of the boys [sic] friends. And who do you think bowled high score? You guessed it. Later on, Paula admitted, "I only invited the most talentless bowlers, just to make Jeffrey look good."
MATH TEACHER IS HUNG!! - BY PAUL MEDICI, MATH TEAM NEWSLETTER
Famed diminutive math teacher Joseph "Mighty Joe" Rothman, has been a figure at Mark Twain JHS for over 35 years. Students have taunted the midget math man ever since he started teaching. Year after year of being teased by the kids have caused the man to lash out at new students before they ever had the chance to bother him. This year was different; when he failed two students due to personality conflicts, rather than poor grades, the students held a "lynching" right in the classroom. Mighty Joe was hung by his sport coat, on a coat hook, in the students' wardrobe. Both students were expelled from school and Mr. Rothman only had his pride hurt. To this day, Mighty Joe still teaches math at age 112.
HOT RIDES IN "THE GATE” - BY LARRY JOHN STREITMAN, DOUBLE A FUEL MAGAZINE
It's summertime in Sea Gate and car enthusiasts from around the world try their best to get into "the gate" for the most craved auto exposition in history. Some of the
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most treasured vehicles include: Larry John Streitman's Flamin' 69 AMC Javelin, Howie Dorf's "Listen-my-friend" 68 Plymouth Barracuda, the Amazing "Dirt Brothers" Camaro (so many mixed up parts, it has no year), Stoned Lloyd Kaplan's Super Smoker 69 T-Bird, Harold Sokol's 69 Dime-Pitch Karmann Ghia, Warren Eisenstein's fully customized 62 VW Bug with special hand applied gold metal flake paint and flame pin striping, Mike Buchholtz's Neck Bracing 69 VW Squareback, Terry the K's Black 58 Little Window VW Bug, [REDACTED] 70 Rock-me "Baby Carriage" VW Convertible, Timmy the K's Super Stock-runs-good-downhill '62 Chevy, and don't forget world famous Sgt. Gene's Stormin' 56 Plymouth!
NEAR DROWNING IN CHOCOLATE - BY WILLY THE SODA JERK, FIRESTONE CANDY PAPERS
A brillo haired teenager was nearly drowned in Fox's U bet chocolate syrup when his four friends held him down and poured 10 jars of the thick, rich, velvety egg cream component. After 5 minutes of the syrup torture, the kinky teen suffered from terminal acne and was immediately ambulanced to Dr. Shin Ho Yep, a pimple specialist. The Dr. refused treatment, as the acne was too far-gone. "To [sic] much peempoo; cannot fix," the doctor said. The crater-face teen now has to check his oil every 10 minutes, for fear of greasy build-up. As punishment, his friends were required to provide him with a lifetime supply of Oxy 10.
NEAR MISS ON BELT PKWY. - BY OFFICER BITS, SEA GATE POLICE BULLETIN
Last Friday, 3 Sea Gate boys perpetrated a hoax on popular math tutor Richard "Dicky" Freed. One boy set the scam up by mentioning that he needed math tutoring, knowing that Dicky would surely zero in on this "needy student." Freed took the boy onto the Belt Pkwy. in his navy blue Chevy Belair. Once they reached the large gas tanks on the way to Sheepshead Bay, two other boys who were hiding behind the back seat popped up and scared the dickens out of Dicky. He temporarily lost control of the vehicle when both arms went off the steering wheel and up to the roof of the vehicle as he shrieked in fear. The 3 boys laughed hysterically as Freed's car careened through 3 lanes of traffic, almost flipping over the guard rail. Police reported the incident to the boys' parents. The punishment: 2 boys, no color TV for one week!! The 3rd boy was deprived of his precious lobster salad for one week. Freed returned to normal tutoring after a week of shoe polishing and recuperating from mental trauma.
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FREAK SHOW - BY CHARLES SHUSHAN, CONEY ISLAND MENTALS
It's that time of year when the Coney Island freak show comes back to town. This year, the show will feature some of the Bear's favorites: Dicky the Penguin Man... Watch Dickey as he apparently shuffles cards with two stumps; The Tatooed [sic] Lady... "look!!! All meat and no potatoes"...."and to your own amazement, if I move my muscles, you got moving pictures!!! Shows are every hour, on the hour. No photos.
FANS WILD OVER DYNAMITE TUNA - BY CHAIM GITLER, MERMAID AVE. GOURMET
Every so often, a genius comes along with a new recipe that takes the world by storm. The genius this time?...the son of a Coney Island fireman, who worked for months honing the magic recipe for the perfect tuna salad. The entire neighborhood waits on line for hours outside the fireman's house, for just one small taste of the "miracle tuna". Folks can't believe that the young lad had the wisdom or knowledge to create such a masterpiece in tuna. When asked for the recipe, the teen will only reveal one part of the secret "It has to do with squeezing the oil out of the tuna then rinsing it with water", he said. Sources also reported seeing used Hellman's mayo jars in the trash cans behind the house. According to national tuna experts, this could be another major breakthrough in solving the "miracle tuna" puzzle. The "tuna boy", as he is now known, commented: "If you like my tuna, wait till you taste my fantastic 'Wonder Slaw' cole [sic] slaw, and my soon-to-be famous Galliano Milk Shake".
TEEN BRINGS HOME BRIT - BY MERTON BOOBER, I.N.A. RESCUE SHEET
A cocky Coney Island teenager met a genuine British Pachoochie and had the audacity to bring her home to live in his parent's [sic] house. His mother never trusted the pachoochie and believed that she insidiously sapped the intelligence and manlihood [sic] from her son. After months of monitoring and recording observed data, the mother supplied the I.N.S. with all the dope on this wild Englander and had her deported. When the boy regained his senses, he had totally forgotten any details of the British pachoochie.
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EJECTED FROM SINGLES WEEKEND - BY HENNY YOUNGMAN, CATSKILLS COMICS
Coney Island teens signed up for what should have been a fun singles weekend at Kutsher's Country Club, but something went awry. After causing [a] disturbance at the pool, the young men went to their room and made so much noise that security had to come and warn them of probable ejection from the premises. Later on, the trouble-makers arrived at the main ballroom for dinner. Each table was matched with boys and girls for the event. Again, the boys were causing more trouble, and by the time the food was served, the crowning blow occurred. One of the teens known as "Neutral", started eating directly out of the large salad serving bowl. To make things worse, he ate without knife or fork, much like a mad dog. He was actually foaming at the mouth, growling, and jerking his head up and down as he chewed the salad. Needless to say, the boys were immediately escorted from the ballroom, and promptly told to leave Kutcher's without delay.
Nathan's Fries: Large or Big. Call Abey POTAOES [sic] OUT RIGHT?? RRRRRROlls and Bar Bee Q. Large Pineapple drink. Fried shrimp on a bun. Corn on the cob. Burger with Tzibulis.
Sam's Knishes: cherry cheese knishes, falafel, no splitting of drinks with friends allowed, Better Kashe Knishes at Mrs. Stahl's across the street.
Dubrow's: Home of the "Handsome Sandwich"
Foofy's: Go home for pancakes at 3 in the morning, "Extra Butta"
Mary's Heroes: Peppers and Eggs Hero, Meatball, and yeah, don't forget my Ham and Cheese with no hairs please.
Lin's Gardens: Chinatown at 2 in the morning. Burning hot tea served in water glasses. War Won Ton Soup. Fly ly and [illegible] Lo for 4.
Randazzo's: Gimme 2 orders o' scugeel an' 2 orders o' baked clams oreganata.
Atlantic Baking: chocolate covered jelly, sprinkles, chocolate covered marshmallow, chocolate covered everything
Gitlers: Lousy, but convenient sandwiches. Hymiel! Cash customer!!!
Totona's Pizzeria: Good burnt pizza while Vinnie Totona screams at his wife and kids.
Major Meats: All the doctors bought their meat from them. No wonder we were always sick.
Orange Hoolius: What the heck did they put in that drink to make it foam up?
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Prexy's: The home of the "educated Hamburger"
Nedick's: hotdogs served on a folded piece of toasted white bread.
White Castle: crappy little square hamburgers with holes in them. They always put those little onions on them. Those idiots on the football team used to eat a dozen each at a sitting.
Coney Island Beach Knishes: "Hey getcher ice cold orange drink heah, hey getcher hot knishes heah." All sold by a loser walking with sneakers on the beach, carrying an old shopping bag with dry ice inside.
Riviera Pizza: Luigi's famous pizza made with fake cheese thanks to Arthur Stern's money savin' schemes.
Joe's Foccaceria Palermitana: Rice balls.
John's Hero's: Lafayette H.S.'s favorite hero joint. Best meatball or ham 'n cheese hero.
Extra Bar: Best Spumoni: pistachio, chocolate and vanilla. No English spoken.
Gargiulo's: Spin the Tumbala you schmuck because you'll never win the free dinner.
Carolina's: Good baked clams and good "spaghetti garlic and earl."
Jan's: Home of the "Kitchen Sink" whatever you can eat..... "ask Terry if he would gladly throw it away for you"
Ebinger's: Good Blackout Coffee or Crumb Cake. All boxes are tied with string.
Jack's Good Humor: Jack, ya got a creamsicle?...Ain't got it!.... Jack, ya got a sundae??....Ain't got it!!....Jack, ya got a fudgesicle???....Ain't got it!!!...."Jack!!, whataya got????? Vanilla pop.....yeah???? Fugeddattaboudit. [sic]
Spumoni Garden: eat pizza, zeppoli and stromboli with the rest og [sic] the gumba's
Flagalong: do ya have a flagalong, yes I have a flagalong, do ya wear your jock-a-lot, Yes I wear my jock-a-lot, when I have a long Flagalong Call ES-3-2262
Watch out: where the huskies go, and don't you eat the yellow snow!!
VILLAGE FUGS: "SING BALLADS OF CONTEMPORARY PROTEST, POINT OF VIEWS, AND GENERAL DISSATISFACTION"
Looking for: accordion fake books, prefer the yellow or blue versions.
If Sgt. Gene: was here, we woulda been home already.
Get off the: beach...beetch; get off the jetty, betty.
Horny Sea Gate Girls: ...lookin' for some thrills. Call [REDACTED]
Three guys: sittin' in a boat; eatum beatum and cheatum. Eatum says to beatum.......??????????
Shape up: with Timmy the K. Must fully master these phrases: "OPEN......THE DOOR", and, "Hiram Walker, where d'ya wannit? No guarantees of working ANY DAY. Call ES 3-8888
IIIIIIIII w-w-w-was almost minus a nephew!!!!
Bump cabs with us!!!: Meet on Amsterdam Ave. at midnight and see if you have the balls to ram your cab into ours!! No holds barred, it's you against the other guy.
Brighton Beach Baths: Cafeteria Employees are guaranteed to start a fight over food every hour on the hour. Ketchup, French Fries, Onions and gravy will always fly. Call HI-9-5498
Brooklyn Movie Theaters: Mermaid, Shore, Oceana, Kingsway, Loews, Oriental, Benson, Boston Baked Beans, Non-pareills [sic], Ju Ju Be's [sic], Good 'n Plenty, Bon-Bons, Chocolate Babies, Milk Duds, Malted Milk Balls, Candy Corn.
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Bus Passes Cheap: tired of paying full fare on buses?? Call for bargain prices on NYC Student Bus Passes. C1242
Free Long Distance: phone calls anywhere with our famous "GOO-GOO Box", Order now and never pay long distance rates again!!! R1912
Subway Tokens getting expensive??: Ask us about the "Wonder Slug". Not just an aluminum punchout from electrical switch boxes....these are custom made at a fraction of the cost. B177
Swingles: if you are a wild and crazy and want it bad, you're invited to Botany Talk House. If you're lucky you'll be selected to attend one of NY’s most uninhibited orgies. See ya there. S1969
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To be continued…
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Ellie is an author, editor, and owner of Red Pencil Transcripts, and works with filmmakers, podcasts, and journalists all over the world. She lives with her family just outside of New York City.
Awesome work Ellie! Thanks a ton! ⭐️
It made me feel sorry for his clueless parents. From that perspective such a sad story. Thank you for your work Ellie. You can be proud.