Trigger Warning: lewd sexual descriptions
I transcribed the entire 238-page Epstein birthday book “The First 50 years” so that all the letters and handwriting is legible and easy to read, and also so that it can remain a record if the DOJ decides to pull it off the internet.
The Birthday Book contains photos, personal letters from family, friends, and colleagues, poems, drawings, a fake newspaper filled with articles, food, and personal ads, and some pretty damning evidence…
Feel free to share with family and friends, there is no paywall and this article can be accessed by anyone, on Substack or not.
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Jeffrey showing early talents with money and women! Sells "fully depreciated" [REDACTED] to Donald Trump for $22,500. Showed early "people skills" too. Even though I handled the deal I didn't get any of the money or the girl!
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Dear Jeffrey,
Since we first met, some 30 years ago, I never imagined I would open New York Magazine and read "Jeffrey Epstein International Man of Mystery."
Jeffrey, I care about you, and those that really know you, know that you are not a "mystery man." You are enigmatic to most that think differently, those without your incisive sense as to how the world works.
The magic that you possess is your remarkable capacity to arrive at solutions. It's always been Oscar Wilde and Jeffrey Epstein that were always right.
You are perceptive, insightful, concise--all in 30 seconds. If you don't get it in 30 seconds, you will not get it--the moment will have passed.
Page 158
Your centered individuality, your lack of desire for public recognition reminds me of a story I once heard about the Irish playright [sic], Samuel Beckett. He spent his life avoiding the public eye. None was a greater sense of displeasure than recognition from the teeming masses. So, the story goes like this--Beckett was with his mistress in Morrocco [sic] and received a telegram from Ireland with the news he had been awarded the Nobel Prize. His reaction? "This is the worst news I have ever received."
A word from the wise, to the wise, is sufficient. Jeffery, I love you, as a brilliant and unpredictable friend. May you always maintain your inner solitude.
I wish you health, stealth and continued wealth, not necessarily in that order.
Happy Birthday!
Joseph Pagano
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JEFFREY
I met Jeffrey as a client although very quickly, even though we were working together, we became friends; so I consider him first a friend. Of course, becoming friends was inevitable because for the first time I met someone crazier than me...!!!
He can maybe be a bear, but mostly a teddy bear. He is the most adorable and coolest friend that anyone can have.
Page 161
Collecting homes is his hobby. When I met him he did not want any construction; he could not stand to look at fabric with printed patterns; he detested Chinese curio and today he begs for all of these!
The last time I saw him we met to review a plan. During our meeting he made many constructive comments and when we left I said to my colleagues 'you know, he was right!'. He learns so quickly that soon he will be outthinking me!
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For this occasion, I give him all my tenderness and my most sincere and deepest friendship, even though sometimes he can be a royal pain in the ass!
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Who is that bum over there, why it's Jeffrey, I declare. The man of means in sweat shirt and jeans, at a black tie formal affair.
To add to life's piquancy, Jeffrey, with increasing frequency, on any occasion with little persuasion, will outrage the public decency.
I have heard that Jeffrey will act with morals, decorum and tact, with honor, good will and truth, but forsooth, This information may be inexact.
As far as I can detect, Jeffrey seems to select to express his mood, terms rude, crude and lewd, and politically incorrect.
Jeffrey at half a century, with credentials plenipotentiary, though up to no good whenever he could, has avoided the penitentiary.
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Dear Jeffrey,
For the man who has almost everything, but never enough of these! Sent with best wishes for your 50th birthday.
Forever, [illegible]
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Tit Print ‘2002
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F and only F would ask Mandelbrot, “How f***ed up are your kids?”
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January 20th - 03
Dear Jeffrey—
I wanted to get you want you want...so here it is
Happy Birthday,
Your friend Leslie [Wexner]
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Here are the pictures of Jeffrey found in an extensive search of the Daily News for reflecting his accessibility and high profile. We found his vital statistics, his birthday (38th), his date of birth) July 11), his country of birth (Liechtenstein), his family life (wife, 3 children), and his profession.
So happy times, best wishes, and peace.
Mort Zuckerman
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International Funny Man of History Revealed as Alien in Disguise
Strange Beings from Planet Near Distant Star Hatch Sinister Plot to Corner Choice Real Estate on Earth
They All Exhibit Curious Aversion to Food and Wine
Ex-President Taken In
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SCIENCE
Page 178
Dear Jeffrey,
On this occasion, I am reminded of our many conversations, fueled by both our curiosity and your skepticism. Quoting great minds may be the only gift I can give you to stimulate the one and relieve the other.
First, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.:
"Certitude is not the test of certainty. We have been cocksure of many things that were not so." Your curiosity, [illegible] on with your skepticism, will take care of this without hazard, birthday after birthday.
Next, Thoreau:
"Pursue, keep up with, circle round and round your life, as a dog does his master's chaise. Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still." This too, you do admirably.
Then, Leonardo da Vinci:
"Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigor(s) of the mind." Epstein is not at risk. When he is in the room, you do not fall asleep.
Finally, a remark from the not so great Gertrude Stein on your métier:
"As a cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money."
You have said more and, going beyond talk, have shown how to find it.
And so, felicitations on the vigor(s) of your body and mind, and warm hope for many occasions celebrating their gifts.
Gerry Edelman
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For Jeffrey with birthday greetings
From the collection of photos by the late Doug Adams* all depicting people yawning
*author of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".
From Murray [Gell-Mann]
Page 181
Dear Jeffrey
Damn! Confused again.
I'm sure we can resolve this eventually, but it will probably take the next 50 years or so... So, stay health, and stay tuned.
Have the happiest birthday! (why not?)
Prosthetically yours, [illegible]
Page 182
THE MATHEMATICS OF LIFE
Martin Nowak, Epstein Institute, Harvard University
The primordial soup, here or elsewhere, generated a quasispecies of aperiodic macromolecules. Quasispecies live in sequence space, which is a collection of hyperdimensional cubes. Each cute arises by ordering all possible sequences of a certain length in such a way that nearest neighbors differ in only one position. The length of the genome determines the dimension of the cube. A very small gene, for example, lives in a 1000 dimensional cube. Its sequence is 1 particular choice out of 10600 possibilities.
For comparison there are only 1080 protons in our universe.
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and with language we can write our own evolution (and its mathematics)
An alphabet is a finite list of symbols. Sentences are strings of symbols. A language is a set of sentences. A finite language has a finite number of sentences. An infinite language has an infinite number of sentences. There are infinitely many finite languages.
Human languages are infinite.
A grammar is a finite list of rules that generates a language. Grammars are equivalent to computers. Finite state grammars generate regular languages which are accepted by finite state machines. Phrase structure grammars give rise to computable languages which are Turing complete. For each such language there exists a Turing machine that accepts every sentence that is part of the language, but may compute forever on sentences that do not belong (in) the language.
The language of mathematics is not computable.
Learning is selection among a restricted set of hypotheses. Ambitious learners exceed their teachers.
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And the one truly interesting thing that happened in the last 500 million years was
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There are six billion intellects on Earth, but this is the quickest one I've met (aside from Isaac Asimov); he sees things differently from all the rest, asks questions that no one else ever asked, and suggests answers that no one would ever expect.
Marvin Minsky
Happy Birthday! [REDACTED]
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Happy Birthday Jeffrey!!!!
[illegible]
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To be continued in Part 5
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 5
Ellie is an author, editor, and owner of Red Pencil Transcripts, and works with filmmakers, podcasts, and journalists all over the world. She lives with her family just outside of New York City.
Egad. My father published Samuel Beckett, I'm named after him, met him. One of the kindest humans I have ever known. He would be appalled to be used in this "Birthday Card" bullshit. He would never have had anything to do with these people. He avoided the public eye not because he was a pedophile. Page 159. But thank you for informing us all about this heinous stuff.
Page 167, Tit print by Annie Sprinkle. Former prostitute and porn Star turned performance artist and sex lecturer.