Welcome Back, Mitch!

While he lay in his hospital bed recovering from an unknown, albeit benign, illness, Mitch McConnell spent the last day or so calling all of his conservative besties. And to play it fair, he spent no greater or less time with anyone who might be deemed as a “favorite” for the sallow-faced elder statesmen.

CNN

Unable to FaceTime from his Motorola RAZR, McConnell chatted the day away with Senate Majority Leader John Thune (20 minutes), Majority Whip John Barasso (20 minutes), and slightly pissy conservative pundit Scott Jennings (17 minutes). According to Jennings, the two men covered not only the Iran conflict, Ukraine, Europe, and the controversial Maine political race, but the whole history of the Teddy Roosevelt Library, the vice presidency, and the Senate.

Scott Jennings - Visit Chattanooga

The exact time, 17 minutes, covering 7 major topics, all while hearing it clearly in McConnell’s voice in my mind’s eye, put me at ease. He’s definitely alive and well.

Further putting me at ease, Barasso stated that McConnell is excited to come back to work. I mean, I was worried, considering reports showing that McConnell was found unconscious in his home after a cardiac arrest, where authorities arrived to “CPR in progress.” CPR nearly always results in broken ribs and/or a broken sternum in someone over the age of 80, and hospital discharge rates range from 2% to 6%. But it’s great to hear he’s in that healthy minority!

Because we need McConnell back in that proverbial throne of courage, where he can keep making democracy-saving decisions that affect his greatest allies, you and me, the “little people.” Things like blocking Supreme Court nominations in the last (310) days of Obama’s presidency so Trump could have his pick. It would be pretty rude and unfair to let any President make a last-minute change like this, which is why we never do it.

Good Old Mitch would go on to help nominate 3 Supreme Court judges and 234 conservative federal judges, mostly vetted by the Federalist Society, and overwhelmingly white men. Thanks to him, traditional Christian Nationalist values soared, leading not only to the overturning of Roe v. Wade in 2022, but a tidal wave of states’ rights restrictions, including abortions, parental consent laws, clinic regulations, and abortion-related constitutional claims.

In 2017, McConnell shepherded the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, which fueled a massive explosion in billionaire wealth through corporate rate cuts and tax breaks that favored the uber-wealthy. This included a 20% deduction for “pass-through” business income, which the wealthy often manipulate through small LLCs for property ownership and other personal benefits.

Bravo!

He also used the Congressional Review Act to repeal Obama-era regulations, including environmental protections, like limiting coal mining debris from being dumped into streams; labor protections, which had previously required federal contracts to publicly disclose past violations of federal labor and worker safety laws; financial protections, which had required oil, gas, and mining companies to disclose any payments made to foreign governments; educational protections, which had set parameters for elementary and secondary education accountability; employee protections, which, under OSHA, had required safety fixes rather than just paperwork; wildlife protections, which regulated hunting; and social protections, which had blocked states from withholding federal family planning funds from health providers.

All gone, thanks Mitch!

Not to mention, McConnell orchestrated the rules in both of Trump’s impeachment trials, blocking witness testimonies, and voting to acquit of all charges.

Aw, Mitch. We are so happy to hear you’re feeling better, and ready to come back and serve the American people. And while most of us are likely losing our own health insurance due to the passage of the Big Beautiful Bill, it’s a huge relief to know your medical bills are covered and you’re receiving the best care in the world. We look forward to you freezing - I mean seizing the bull by the horns and racing into the Midterms. Good on you, sir, you’ve done your nation proud.

Now hitch up that diaper, pull out those tubes, and let’s make America Great Again!!

Ellie is an author, editor, and independent journalist focusing on survivor justice. She lives with her family just outside of New York City.